* Birdman jr more like Ugly Duckling
* she wanna get it off her chest but her boobs too big
* then i asked her do she go both ways, she say "they do say love is a two way street"
* i sell birds to the trees
* i heard you don't sleep i'm allergic to dreams
* like that blunt between my 2 fingers i'm at peace
* money long tree trunk, now stand under me...catch these leaves
* the coke got her all exuberant, she doing lines like a movie script
* keep my name out your mouth, i hope it taste's like cayenne
* these niggas looking at me sideways because they on the sideline
* boy i'm clippin that toe on that camel
* i got bitches that'll kill for me...Charles Manson
* chopper sitting on my lap like the mall santa
* i knock your head off...fumble
* them bullet holes look like freckles, like Wendy's
* i gotta bitch over there and a bitch over there, a young nigga starting to feel cornered
* with a pussy more pink than an orchid, young nigga gonna treat her like a florist
* i go down and kiss...i pearl harbour
* fuck the shit outta her in a sauna, sweat her out, she look like Al Sharpton
* these other hoes just typos
* nigga had to go back to the stash, but a nigga stash like James Harden
* young nigga on the shit like Charmin
* niggas cook crack on a Foreman, while you boys still sparring
* even Slick Rick the Ruler know i break rules
* get rid of all the white like Selsun Blue
* got some tricks up my sleeve, i need some cuff links
* i hit the kush, blow it out like a bum knee
* she ride the dick, the dick gone kill her...vehicular homicide
* bullet ain't got no name nigga, but you could get it customized
* motherfuckas better fuckin hide, i feel Mr. Hyde
* athletes still getting jacked like they missing tires
* one of the wildest bees in my hive, i sting a bitch and die
* chop a cocaine brick like Sensei
* break the great white down to a fish plate
* got the Yay locked down like Kim K
* stepping on a swisher roach, like a stepping stone
* going at a nigga throat like herringbone
* when i met codeine there was love at first sprite
* counting dirty money where the wipes?
* i like my swisher sweets fat as fuck with cellulite
* my bitch got a wife, got me walking around feeling like Dolemite
* bad bitch on my team just like Katniss Everdeen
* i got her shaking on this dickdickdickdickdick, like an electric chair
* these pussy ass niggas just got PMS
* these hoes throwing pussy like hand grenades, don't let it blow up in your face
* had to buy my dick a barricade
* diamonds in my teeth, i'm eating carrot cake
* her suicide note say she love me to death
* for her Lewinsky is so critical i didn't mean to get political
* the d.a. was a dick and the judge was a jerk off
* got a bad bitch body curvy like a curveball
* let her drank too much, now her pussy taste like Smirnoff
* y'all shipping keys, we shipping grand pianos
* money bags under my eyes, money over rest
* open up my mouth to smile...treasure chest
* once i fuck a bitch her pussy a landmark
* gold watches gold chains...watch for leprechauns
* i'm consuming cash like a cash cow
* i'm aiming at your grapefruit, BLAOW...grape juice
* favourite subject was PE...Pablo Escobar
* i been hot since 1998 nigga, that's 98 degrees...Nick Lachey
* we shoot your block up and just say we shot a scene
* she treat the tip of my dick like a waitress
* she doing tricks on my dick cause i'm a skater
* dick gone have you walkin crazy round this bitch looking handicapped...at least you'll get good parking spaces
* i'ma paint her pussy lips white...white like Dave Chapelle
* i smell like pussy, money and weed...she said "oh i like your cologne"
* the last niggas tested us flunk, so please study hard, study long
* i got somethin very hot on my hip, i get my hip hop on
* bend but don't break, my niggas call me elbow
* bad bitch on top of me, she started on the bottom
* my baby mama say i'm livin wrong, well if i die then i guess she dead right
* watch these snitches, man these rats think they're Mighty Mouse
* you other boys could kiss the game goodbye...be romantic
* please don't worry Nancy my weed is organic and if my children end up smoking, i whip they ass if they don't pass it
* took a picture with the pistol, gave it rabbit ears
* my bitches got sex appeal, they like sex and pills
* B is for Bianca, she was a ballerina, now she just a stripper making singles to my singles
* C is for Chiquita put the nana on Chiquita
* T is for Tatiana, she can put her legs behind her, she can bend all the way over, i just thank the lord for that yoga
* i want you dead tonight, that's a real deadline
* skinny tires on a salad diet
* bust your motherfucking egg till i see egg nog
* she said watch these hoes cause they leeches like Robin, i say no...Robin Givens
* let my money talk so much, put my jawbone outta business
* i bring wine to Amy house, we smoke it out and we drank it out
* we aim at your grape, knock it off...now you just vines
...DEDICATION 5 and RISE OF AN EMPIRE jokes after the drop top...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE LEGENDARY APOLLO THEATRE IN HARLEM NEW YORK...IT'S SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO!!!...TONIGHT WE ARE BRINGING YOU COMEDY STRAIGHT UP WITH NO CHASER...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE GIVE A WARM HAND TO ONE OF THE FUNNIEST RAPPERS ALIVE...THE ONE, THE ONLY...LIL WAYNE...a standing ovation?...a smattering of applause?...some boos perhaps?...i noticed as i was listening to wayne's new mixtape DEDICATION 5 that there were alot of jokes...and so i got the idea to write them all down...little did i know how fucking long it would take...check this out...wayne does over 200 jokes in 19 songs...for you baseball stat nerds that's 10.52 jokes per song...and i'm still finding some...does wayne have a career in stand up comedy after rap...
LIL WAYNE...DEDICATION 5 JOKES
researched by william brown
- hope you live a double life cause you're gonna need an extra
- she gonna learn tonight, call that shit night school
- she said hit it from the back, i'm trying to leave that crack alone
- let em know that we got beef, for anyone got a taste for it
- heard niggas been waitin on me, i might as well go on and tip em
- i pimp my ride, my car is hoeing
- and all my bars be barcoded
- hate a hoe nigga, like anchovies
- my young bitch keep on snapping on me, i told that bitch i ain't posing
- i'm so high i left earth, and ran into venus and serena
- get head like a mind reader
- you washed up, i'm in the dry cleaner
- don't worry about me nigga i'm one hundred like a high fever
- since all you niggas fly now...bugs all on my windshield
- pass that weed around like that shit contagious
- if pussy lips could talk i go down there like it's whispering
- you be batman and i'll be robin the bank
- i know i ain't gonna fall even though i'm power tripping
- i got bloods in the cut, so don't throw salt in the wound
- i wet niggas up, i don't throw water balloons
- she said "you got it made" i say "no i got a butler"
- they tell me to turn up, but i'm the knob on the oven
- i got a knife in my pocket, if there's a fork in the road
- i'm the man of steel but i won't say what i stole
- sometime life is hard to swallow but she like the taste
- i got them flowers in me, i feel like a vase
- monsters in my closet, no more closet space
- niggas wanna be this fly, too many flights to take
- enough with the small talk my girl pussy is a water park, every little thing i do...turn her on
- i be shitting on these niggas, like i'm sipping metamucil
- and we smoking on that gas, pass it like excuse you
- and old folks get shot too, they write down license plates
- all this fucking gotta stop, but i need tighter brakes
- i wax that ass, she makes that Mr. Miyagi face
- they say numbers don't lie, she's shaped like an 8
- it's curtains for these niggas, i feel like some drapes
- i'm hotter than the peppers peter piper ate
- looking at the clouds, thinking about your ass and how it looked like a big smile
- let me get back on track, you say i act like i don't miss you girl, that's because i don't act
- it's wayne's world, and she said what is this world coming too?
- we took a bath together and splashed each other/then she said toon i gotta ask you something...do you really love me?/i tried to change the subject so i said some crazy shit to her like...what if you and i were just letters that would be unfortunate...we'd have to rob a fortune teller/but i swear i think i love you, fingers crossed in my pocket/okay that's a dead subject, you bring it up that's a zombie/you remind me of...my memory ain't what it used to be/she said she ain't tripping, i said i know because i move my feet/and when she figure out she been swindled, i be clearing that love bird shit off of my window/i...i...love you too
- these niggas wearing dresses and you call me weird
- what kind of cologne do you wear? cause all i smell is fear
- bitches give me head instead of playing mind games
- niggas just construction workers trying to build a case
- why your bitch blowing me up if i answer i deflate
- dreads hanging out the ski mask, run up in your house, the couch potatoes getting mashed
- everyone knows my name like Cheers
- you think you're street, i'm a jay-walk-ya
- i'm a basket case, where the fucking lawyer
- keep a brand new bitch, about to get her ribbon cut
- you can judge us, but don't sentence us
- blow me like the wind would gust
- WTF...who to fuck
- she say my dick head need a crown on it, she say my cum taste like holy water
- i said i'm coming, she said taker your time
- she treat me like a God and tell her man she atheist
- i killed that pussy, it came back alive
- i keep change on me now, cause this shit starting to take a toll
- even though i'm not an artist this is where i draw the line
- we don't feel none of you niggas you some fucking porcupines
- none of my cheques came late, i ain't having that, i gave them curfews
- dressed up like an old lady, uzi under my church dress, surprise your ass like a baby taking its first steps
- i'm too good for just any bad bitch
- smoke like i been kissing dragons
- that milk carton show her missing panties
- that pussy felt like a hidden valley
- got some moon rocks in my pocket, that's a pocket full of stones, fuck with me, cause i fucked around and got that shit from Neil Armstrong
- all these bitches think they dimes, watch me flip a coin
- trigger happy nigga, i just can't stop smiling
- thank god i'm fly, i had to thank my pilot
- you think you calling shots, you got the wrong number
- i love Benjamin Franklin more than his own mother
- you shell shocked like adidas
- just changed the face on my rollie, shout out to lil kim
- looking for a bitch to stay down, like i'm throwing knives
- i really beat that pussy up, them niggas shadow box
- turning your homies into slop, put your brains all over the window, people passing window shop like "ugggh"
- burning blunts like bridges
- killing everybody, y'all gonna need a limousine hearse
- you see i'm on like a fucking short sleeve shirt
- monkey see, monkey do...banana clips
- shoot at them niggas, no camera glitch
- got some shit built up, i keep it inside
- you can call me an S.O.B...skateboards over bugatti's
- i'm shining so hard on these hoes, they getting tan lines
- you know snitches get stitches nigga needle and thread
- walk it like you talk it, or we cut off your legs
- take all your possessions, call it poltergeist
- and my homie be a sniper, we call him Wesley Snipes
- your bitch leaking information, i just follow the drip
- you tell that bitch to give me space, like a telescope
- but i can't trust none of them bitches like magicians
- no broken mirrors, i can't see myself broke
- shorty make that dick stand up, like it's telling jokes
- if i ain't had the keys to success i would have picked the lock
- still got that crack, maybe one day i'll pass the rock
- i got two choppers...that's chopsticks
- eat your block up, like shrimp fried rice
- it's going down, let me straighten up and fly right
- check yourself, before i sign it
- money talks, yours has no comment
- had a phone in jail, that's a cell phone
- i'm strong arming these niggas, role my sleeves up
- nigga fall back, like he's getting baptized
- got so much shit built up, you can smell it on me
- ain't nothing free round here, but Willy nigga
- all my niggas blood, fuck your syringe
- if you've got a problem, i'm Einstein
- my niggas saying they racked up, don't let that cue ball leave you broke
- i know you want that pat on the back, but them fools want you to choke
- i been out here getting bread, and i don't need you all in my loaf
- these niggas say they playas, they ain't even scoring
- everyone following me, i ain't even moses
- i'm a-head of the game i need a blow job
- i'm a-head of the game i need a hair cut
- i used to hug the block, i mean bear hug
- i'm high, like bonjour
- twisted, like french braids
- i'm working that graveyard shift, man, these niggas been dead
- i fell asleep in that pussy and i didn't even know it, i woke up and act like i don't even know her
- i'm a ball, like crystal
- i'm hardheaded...ocho...dedication...cinco
- i can still taste her pussy...memorabilia
- i used to be at them heat games with better seats than Pat Riley
- tear her ass up like a parking ticket
- everything i do i plan it out like a solar system
- nigga, if you're clumsy you're gonna slip and fall a victim to me
- i shoot off in her mouth and she bit the bullet
- write it down, take a picture...now i feel framed
- wish i had a penny for my thoughts for some loose change
- i'm a yell timber...money grows on trees
- hoes prettier than please
- fuck you blow me, i sit back and enjoy the breeze
- i don't really do shit, but sit back and call the shots, she poured out her heart, i had it on the rocks
- red beam on your head, that's a cherry on top
- niggas ain't safe...all nine innings
- this a gut check, now who do i write it to?
- gotta cut up the credit cards, plastic surgery
- i'm a god, mercy me
- i'm higher than mercury, smoking on that strong, full of that hercules
- niggers pulling capers, like they come on a string
- you can get your head cut off with the saw...hee-haaw
- kill you and your right hand man...south paw
- black and white porches, like a nazi with a nigga
- we throw them dollars up, them bitches better be frisbees
- some niggas fade away, some niggas hit the jumper
- i'm not hearing that bullshit, i'm deafer than leppard
- i heard a nurse say, thank you for being so patient
- i should probably see a shrink, but i'm afraid he'll make me little
- my bitch named G.G. give me head, i be like Goodness Gracious
- this gun got a hair trigger, i pull this bitch till it ball head
- you ain't got no bars nigga, recharge, cause you're going dead
- oh what a tangled web we weave, i feel like daddy long legs
- my bitch says my dick is great, but i make her say it like Tony the Tiger
- and if anyone of them niggas got a fuckin problem i'm a milk all of them, cause they fucking cow-ards
- been schooling all y'all niggas i'm ya alma mater
- can't afford failure, i'm just browsing
- nigga and if your bitch got an eye problem you know what it is...armed robbery
- these tricks ain't got no magic
- one man band all you hear is re-percussions
162. pretty please don't kill my vibe, i ain't tupac and big
163. time flies, clip its wings
164. she twisted on my dick, like it was a tornado
165. new money, no wrinkles
166. i woke up this morning dick rock hard, dick harder than an armadillo
167. that dick got her coming back, motherfucking reincarnation
168. girl i gotta make a few runs like Usain
11. take a newborn from his momma, stick a shoe horn in vaginas
165. new money, no wrinkles
166. i woke up this morning dick rock hard, dick harder than an armadillo
167. that dick got her coming back, motherfucking reincarnation
168. girl i gotta make a few runs like Usain
169. i can pull a few strings make em sound like guitars
170. i'm the shit, where's my fly swatter
171. my girl pussy tastes just like ms. butterworth's
172. you're gonna have to swallow your pride like a thirst quencher
173. you ain't got a shot in a gun range
174. niggas feed these bitches lies, nigga don't food poison my hoe
175. when i'm through ballin, i'll coach
176. tell em rats that AK go rat-a-tat like snare drums
177. blunt longer than a tongue twister
178. these niggas acting like little bitches, i don't understand this shit like you scribbled it
179. and to you it's just change, i want every J.C. Penny
180. you can't kill me i was born dead, crown of thorns head
181. ride me like a horse, bitches call me Charlie
182. tell my bitch she my boo, not a round of applause
183. i got this bitch on lock, these niggas ain't got no bail
184. and if you talk trash, i'm a fucking possum
185. i hope my weed ain't too loud to hear the snakes hiss
186. we geeked up, revenge of the nerds
187. as long as money talks i got someone to talk too
188. watch my dogs treat the beef like dog food
189. i got the power but a short fuse
190. i'm on a mission to get movie money, stick to the script
191. they tell me go to Hell okay i know the owner
192. you think you're calling shots? you've got the wrong number
193. we be passing blunts, they be passing judgement
194. 5 blunts of that strong, call that strength in numbers
195. whoever find your body, finders keepers
196. she says she trying to see me, bitch that's stevie wonder-ful
197. if she married i'll fuck her, if she lonely i'll fuck her, if she crazy i'll love her, y'all just don't understand her
198. her pussy tastes like kiwi*
*...that's the interesting thing about the "jokes" is that they bring out a variety of laughs from me...they either give me a funny visual...like her pussy tastes like kiwi...the juxtaposition of visualizing a pussy and a kiwi makes me laugh...some are straight up jokes...some are metaphors...some are weird...some are pop culture references...weed jokes...pussy jokes...dick jokes...money jokes...potty jokes...on and on...
199. my navigation system tells me deaths around the corner
200. ice on my neck, they think i fainted
LIL WAYNE: RISE OF AN EMPIRE JOKES
1. you just a crocodile, i drink a full cup of his tears
2. can't recognize you nigga, like santa cut off his beard
3. i'm higher than my bitch bills
4. i'm working on that carter v, i got this bitch in fifth gear
5. i can't stand these niggas, i'ma lie down or sit still
6. catch you while you laid up, straight up…bunny ears
7. but loose lips sink ships, but i just let these ho's warship
8. she think i'm a window of opportunity, close curtains
9. i know that ho better know how to deep throat like a serpent
10. neighbourhood nice and quiet, thought i saw mr. rogers
12. have my cake and eat it too, i want a bakery
13. all i've been doing is celebrating, don't even know what i'm celebrating
14. and you know the driveway too big, when you ain't gotta back out
15. paper chase like cat/mouse
16. the world like a crystal ball, i keep rubbing it
17. got these voices in my head screaming, can't believe they're not hoarse
18. so if your man screw up you need a nigga like me, i'll knock every screw loose
19. shoot you in your memory bank, memorize it
20. i catch a case, i wanna know who threw it
21. i got the bread, never feed the pigeons
22. even though i get pissed off, i shit on y'all
23. i can't stand these niggas, i'm bout to fall
24. got my girl her shoes with spikes…volleyball
25. ho's see me shining, now they acting like a moth